Downward Spiral

A while back someone left a review for a fic, and also left behind this challenge:

…I challenge you to stray from the typically portrayed canon characters, and write a Severus/Remus fic, without any depressing thoughts of the past or their dangerous future.

I don't care how you do it, you could have some prankster spike their drinks causing them to frolic in a meadow, but make them laugh. Make it a light-hearted fic. You have three criteria as part of this challenge.

1. A good shag/snog (whichever you feel pertinent to the situation) between Remus and Severus in front of witnesses

2. Some references to a Lord Turtle and a Banshee secretary with no prospects

3. Severus Snape in full-blown, sides-splitting, getting-a-stitch laughter.

I was intrigued.

The request was made during my 'summer of far too many ficathons' so I didn't get to it for a while, but I never forgot it. Here goes nothing.

Title: Quarantine
Pairing: Snape/Lupin
Rating: NC-17ish
Summary: Seven days. One room. No way out.
Author's note: For Willow. I hope this meets your qualifications. FYI - Cluedo is the British version of Clue. Many thanks to abigail89 for her suggestions and enthusiasm. All remaining error belong to me.



Quarantine

Day One

Severus Snape learned early in his life to sense danger, to look for the little signs that warned of upcoming turbulence and tumult. It made him a formidable spy in his day, this ability to sense when it was time to leave a situation. To avoid capture. To change loyalties. This sense had served him well enough for decades. Now, sitting in the sterile white private room of the infirmary, his billowing black robes exchanged for a scratchy blue dressing gown, he wondered how he failed to see that not only was danger looming on the horizon, but so was abject humiliation - which was another thing he learned about early in life.

The signs were all there.

To begin with, the headmaster was disgustingly chipper. He was heard to be humming in the corridors, and once took Madam Hooch by the hand and twirled her about while singing something about getting no satisfaction. He ordered the house-elves to begin the evening meal with dessert so as to ensure no one would be too full to enjoy the sugary confections he, himself, was so fond of. Albus Dumbledore in a good mood could only lead to horrid things like holiday balls and surprise parties.

The man was vicious in his joy.

Secondly, the Gryffindors were all on their best behavior. At first he thought it was some prank aimed at getting his guard down enough so that they might launch an attack, bind him with a complicated series of dark hexes, and set him on fire. Cruel little bastards. He stalked up and down the rows of desk, inspecting every cauldron, his eyes wide and an unforgivable on the tip of his tongue. The cretins didn't do a single thing wrong. They were quiet, diligent, and competent. Even Neville Longbottom managed to complete the assignment without so much as one explosion. Snape couldn't deduct a single house point for the first time in all his seventeen years of teaching. How could he have missed what could very well have been the first sign of the apocalypse?

Thirdly, Remus Lupin was still employed by the school. Try as he might, Snape couldn't rid himself of the blasted werewolf. Two decades and the bloody beast still managed to impinge on Snape's life. Snape had tried to voice his opinion but heard the usual party line - “War hero blah, blah, blah”, “Order of Merlin First class blah, blah, blah,” “Ten thousand names on a petition to reinstate him blah, blah, blah.” He should have known there was a conspiracy afoot.

“Are you ever going to stop scowling?” a voice inquired from across the room.

Severus Snape's eyes narrowed but he would not speak.

“A game of chess would help the time pass faster.”

Snape honed his gaze on a jagged crack on the far most wall, intent upon ignoring his fellow captive.

“Cards?”

He began to count to one hundred hoping he could keep his temper in check.

”Scrabble?”

He counted faster.

“Hopscotch?”

“Is it possible for you to be quiet for ten consecutive minutes?” he roared.

“Sure.”

Ten minutes and three seconds later. “Can we play chess now?”

“Lupin,” he growled, his teeth clenched. “Need I remind you that I know of fifty untraceable ingredients I can add to your wolfsbane that would cause excessive pain, permanent hair loss, or impotence? And four that can do all three.”

“Severus,” Lupin answered, a faint smile playing on his lips, “we are going to be in quarantine for a week. Surely you don't plan to spend all that time staring at the wall?”

Snape didn't answer and continued to stare at the wall.

“Severus?”

No answer.

“It's your fault we're here; the least you could do is keep up your end of the conversation.”

“My fault!” Snape bellowed. “My fault? I'm not the one who decided to play 'let's humiliate the Potions master' by…by… kissing him in front of the entire school.”

Remus Lupin squared his shoulders and adjusted his own dressing gown - pale yellow with a jaunty white trim. “Did you or did you not hide the fact that you had Lethifold Hypoxia from Madam Pomfrey and the entire faculty?”

“I've been busy,” he said dismissingly.

“Were you not aware that the disease is highly contagious?

“I believe I did hear that somewhere,” he muttered.

“Do you recall bellowing 'I'd sooner kiss the werewolf than chaperone a St. Valentine's Day Dance' when the Great Hall was nearly at full capacity?”

“I might have.”

“Let's recap then, shall we? You, Severus Snape, had contracted a highly contagious and dangerous disease and rather than allow yourself to be treated, you chose to wander around the entire school where you could have infected half the population. You then made a public display, throwing a tantrum like a spoilt child, because you were asked to do a simple task. You then chose to include me in your outburst and because I fell to the bait that you reeled out, we are now both stuck in quarantine for the next week. Did I miss anything?”

“You're twisting the facts,” he snapped indignantly.

Lupin grinned. “If you define twisting as straightforwardly listing them as they occurred, then yes, I am.”

Severus huffed once more before returning to his in-depth examination of the crack on the wall.


Day Two

“Severus,” Lupin began softly. “I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of the school, but you asked for it. Had you been honest about what you were going through in the first place, you would be in your dungeons right now, concocting new and exciting ways to terrorize Gryffindors and permanently scar Hufflepuffs, but you chose to suffer in silence and provoke me instead. We are both duly responsible for our current predicament, and like it or not, you are stuck here with me for a long time. Can't we make the most of it?”

Snape turned to look at his fellow inmate and the chess board he had set up on the small table in the corner of the room. He weighed his options carefully: continue his in-depth surveillance of the walls, possibly moving onto the ceiling and finally the floor to mix it up a bit, or engage in a few time consuming games of chess. Both seemed equally painful. He sighed loudly and rolled his eyes. “Fine. A few games of chess wouldn't be out of the question, as long as you keep the banter to a minimum. Anything is better than your constant babbling.”

“Right generous of you, old man. Let's begin.”

Hours passed in glorious silence. Lupin proved to be good enough in chess to make the games interesting, but bad enough so that Snape could thrash him soundly, thus making the Potions master unusually cheerful. It was this very cheer that infiltrated his normal visage and chose unwisely to reveal itself.

“Oh dear lord,” Remus said shakily, his face going slightly pale.

“What?” Severus asked, alarmed.

“Are you… did you just… is that a smile?”

Severus twisted his lips in response. “Oh, how very droll. How long have you been waiting to use that one?”

“Since 1976, actually. We were in the Great Hall and Doula Spivey had charmed a pair of marionettes to do rude things to each other. The entire hall was in tears laughing, and you were so still I almost put a mirror under your nose to make sure you were breathing. I realized then that I had never actually seen you smile.”

“Just because I didn't see the humor in pair of puppets performing lewd sex acts doesn't mean I never smile.”

“Have you? Ever smiled?”

“I'm sure.”

“When?”

Minutes passed. Somewhere, a cricket chirped.

“Well?”

”I'm thinking.”

“Don't strain yourself. I doubt it's ever happened. Come to think of it, the only time you even came close to smiling was when you thought Sirius was going to get the Dementor's kiss all those years ago.”

“My jubilation then had little to do with the immanent and painful torture of your friend and more to do with the idea of receiving the Order of Merlin First class, which was my due.”

Remus burst out laughing. “Who are you kidding?”

He shrugged. “I tried to be sensitive to your lost canine companion. I thought that was rather convincing. I didn't retch once.”

“Oh, Severus, when did you get to be so humorous?” Remus said with crooked grin. “Do us both a favor and leave the levity to me. Stick to poisoning children and chopping helpless animals into tiny bits.”

“Levity? Is that supposed to imply that you are humorous? I would accept that many have laughed in your presence, but I didn't think that was done purposely.”

“Nicely done, Severus,” Remus said, seemingly with admiration. “A smile and a joke, all in the same day. Is this your twisted attempt at shocking me to death?”

“Would it have worked?”

“It would take more to shock me, I'm afraid.”

“We have a week. Give me time, I'll think of something.”


Day Three

They had abandoned chess as Remus had won the last round and Snape set the board ablaze…thus making it the last round. Remus suggested moving on to playing cards, which seemed an innocuous enough idea at the time.

“What is the purpose of this game?” Snape asked, his lip curling as he eyed the queen of clubs menacingly.

“To get to twenty one without going over,” Remus repeated for what he was sure was the hundredth time.

Severus looked at his cards for several minutes before asking, “Why twenty one?”

“I don't know,” Lupin answered, a bit less patiently than was normal.

Several more minutes passed. “Why can the ace be worth one or eleven?”

“I don't know.” This answer was punctuated by a long sigh.

A bit later. “What do the shapes on the cards represent?”

“Are you serious?” Lupin snapped.

“Just asking.”

Another sigh. “I. Don't. Know.”

“You are a fount of information,” Snape mumbled.

“Do you want another card or not?” Lupin growled through gritted teeth.

“Oh, no. I already have twenty one.”

Lupin blinked repeatedly as he eyed the ace of hearts and the queen of clubs in Severus's hand. “You had twenty one all this time?”

“Yes.”

Remus continued to stare at the cards in Severus's hand and then at the smug look on his face. “You enjoy torturing me, don't you?”

“Immensely.”

Day Four

“Gakwazle is not a word!”

“It's potion ingredient.”

“I gave you plidma and kexid. I even gave you smarvik because I was sick of your whining. But I refuse to five you a triple word score, plus fifty more for using all your letters, for what is obviously a word born out of the bizarre recesses of your warped imagination.”

“These are all highly prized potions ingredients,” Snape replied silkily. “I don't doubt that a halfwit such as yourself would have no idea what they are, but don't insult me and accuse me of cheating because you have a limited knowledge of such things. Now if my calculations are correct that would give me a total of 625 to your 175.”

Lupin's eyes narrowed. “You are truly evil, you know that.”

“Why, thank you, Lupin. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.”

Day Five

Remus had taken a seat by the window and was quietly reading. Severus sat on his bed and stole glances of the werewolf from behind the pages of his own book.

“What are you reading?” he asked, hating himself for initiating conversation. But truth be told, he was painfully bored, and Lupin was the only other source of entertainment available.

“Hm? Oh, this is From Fort to Fortress by Wilbert Slinkhart.”

“Oh, he has a new book out?”

“You've never heard of him, have you?”

Snape huffed. “I suppose you think I read nothing but Potions Monthly and Dark Arts Quarterly?”

“Well, yes. Don't you?”

“That's beside the point, isn't it?” Lupin had the audacity to smile, which he chose to ignore. “Is it any good?”

“I just started it but so far I am enjoying it. Are you looking to read something new?”

“Perhaps. I do hope to have more free time once I've hired an assistant.”

“You've finally found someone?”

“So to speak.”

“So to speak?”

“She's not so much a someone, as a something.”

“Pardon.”

“She's a banshee.”

“A banshee? You mean a female spirit…who wails to warn of impending death?”

“No, I mean a whiny woman with a head cold. Really, Lupin, sometimes you ask the most inane questions.”

“Why on earth would you consider hiring a banshee?”

He shrugged. “No one else applied.”

“No one else applied?”

“Has your hearing gone as well.”

Remus snickered. “Such a sparkling personality. I don't know how anyone would think twice about being locked up with you for long periods of time.”

“You seem to be doing just fine.”

“I have a particularly high threshold for pain.”

Snape could feel his blood beginning to boil in that way that only Remus Lupin could be responsible for. “Do you plan to keep insulting me or do you want to hear the whole story?”

“I'm sorry, Severus,” he said sheepishly. “Please go on.”

Snape snorted his indignation and adjusted his dressing gown as he continued. “She came highly recommended, but you can see how a banshee might have a difficult time find work. All the wailing makes people jittery. Her last employer was a Lord Adolphus Turtle-“ Remus snickered again. Loudly. “What, may I ask, do you find so humorous?”

Remus couldn't hold back his amusement. “Lord Turtle? Tell me, did he snap often?”

Severus raised an eyebrow. “Are you mocking his name?”

“Oh, come on, Severus, even you have to think that it's a funny name.”

“I find that rich, coming from you.”

Remus's brow creased sharply. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“Your name is Remus Lupin. And you're a werewolf. Don't you find that a tad ironic?”

“You're one to talk. Severus Snape isn't a name, it's a bloody occupation,” he muttered.

“Are you through?”

“Oh, fine. Please tell me more about your prospective assistant.”

Snape rolled his eyes. “She would be ideal for the position because she preferred to work alone and I need someone who won't mind being locked in a dungeon for several hours. I am not intimated by her wailing and she seemed to find me agreeable as well--” He was interrupted by another snicker. “Now what?”

“Aren't you the least bit concerned that a banshee finds you agreeable?”

“Is it the part that she's a banshee that you find troubling, or that she seems to get along with me?”

“I'm over the whole wailing harbinger of death thing and am more troubled by the fact that she likes you.”

“Because?”

“Because….because she is a harbinger of death.”

“I thought you said you were over that?”

“I lied. One doesn't quite get over the fact that she is banshee. It is, in fact, a difficult thing to get over. It is more difficult to think she actually likes someone, however, and one then must pose the question: why does she like you?”

“We are both unpopular and have terrible hair; she might feel a kinship.”

Lupin stared for what must have seemed like an eternity before he let out a barking laugh. He laughed until tears rolled down his face. “Severus,” he gasped, trying to catch his breath, “if you're trying to shock me to death, you've almost succeeded.”

“I'll try harder next time.”

Remus paused again and let out another laugh.

Day Six

The smoldering pile of ash that was the chess board was swept away days ago. As were the remnants of the playing cards, which were shredded after Snape became convinced that the King of Diamonds had a personal vendetta against him during a particularly nasty game of Go Fish. Their last game of Scrabble remained unfinished after Snape refused to give Remus credit for the word “snarky.”

They could no longer play Cluedo because Snape had insisted on animating the cards to make the game more interesting. Colonel Mustard kept trying to convince Mrs. Peacock that he had a much better use for the rope and the lead pipe. Reverend Green got slapped after he asked Mrs. White if she wanted to go the billiard room to play with his balls. And Miss Scarlet and Professor Plum wouldn't come out of the conservatory. Snape made matters worse by accusing everyone of conspiring together, as he trusted no one, as well as questioning how exactly a candlestick could be used as a weapon, despite how often Remus promised to show him.

Remus refused to play Battleship because Snape kept using his skills as a Legilimens to cheat. Both men agreed, in the name of international concord, never to mention their last game of Risk. And as Snape out and out refused to yell “Yahtzee” for any reason, they were out of games. There were no new books to read and they had already exhausted they list of “safe” topics to discuss as provided by a bone weary Madam Pomfrey.

“We could play 'Truth or Dare,'” suggested Remus.

“And what, in the name of all things holy, is 'Truth or Dare?'”

“As the name would imply, you are either asked a question which you must answer truthfully, or you must perform a dare.”

“Why would I do either?”

“Because those are the rules of the game.”

“And how does one win?”

“Winning depends entirely on how the game is played, Severus,” he said, a twisted grin on his lips and a bit of mischief in his eyes.

“Sounds like nothing but a ruse used to get people in bed together.”

“Why, Severus. I'm shocked.”

“Shocked that I would imply that you are trying to get me into bed?”

“Shocked that you figured it out so quickly. I had hoped to get some of your darker secrets out of you before attempting to seduce you.”

“Can't you come up with something a bit more original than another silly game?”

“Not really. Can you?”

“No.”

“Shall we play then?”

“Can't we just skip the middle man and confess our most embarrassing secrets now and go right to the bed part?”

“Really?” Lupin asked, his eyebrows raised high on his forehead.

“Lupin, if I've learned anything about you over the last 6 days is that you have an amazing stamina, and an imposing endurance. I'd like to see it put to better use than on children's games. Besides, I'd rather let Lucius remove my spleen with a rusted fork than play one more ludicrous game.”

“Why, Snape, you sweet talker,” he replied and he walked to the where the Potions master sat and situated himself comfortably on Snape's lap. “Nothing like hearing about Death Eaters and what they do for fun to get me in the mood.”

“Had I known you were so easily persuaded, I would have mentioned it days ago.” Snape placed his hands on Remus's exposed thigh and began to rub slowly.

Remus leaned forward and placed a small kiss on Snape's collarbone “You might not have been so successful then. Days ago I still had a will to live. You've managed to beat that right out of me.”

“It is a gift.”

Remus smiled and leaned forward to kiss Snape soundly on his lips. Snape's nails began to grasp at Remus thighs as the kiss deepened. It was several minutes before Remus pulled away, his face flushed, his lips, rose pink and moist. “But Severus, we haven't exchanged our most embarrassing secrets,” he said with a lazy smile.

“Lupin,” he drawled, his voice full of warmth and silk, “we are both in hospital dressing gowns, about to perform what I hope is a litany of lewd acts that even Ms. Spivey's flexible marionettes could not imagine. Do you truly think either of us has a more embarrassing secret than this one?”

Lupin chuckled. “Good point, Professor. So… I won't tell if you won't.”

“Agreed.”

Remus leaned forward to recapture Severus's lips. It became clear very quickly that neither was willing to give up control as both battled for dominance. Each kiss was met with a firm reply -- hands, teeth, tongues all joining the melee. The competition that had begun over a simple game of chess showed no sign of waning.

“You're quieter than I thought you'd be,” Remus teased just before he sunk his teeth in the soft part of Snape's shoulder.

Severus's eyes rolled to back of his head. “No dignity in pointless moaning,” he managed to reply.

Something in Remus's eyes glinted brightly. “I bet I can make you.”

Severus paused and, with eyebrow raised high on his forehead, stared at the flushed werewolf still seated on his lap. “Make me what?”

“Moan,” he said softly.

Snape lips upturned wickedly. “You can try.”

“Care to make it interesting?”

“Haven't you had enough of foolish games?”

“This is for more than just bragging rights. The stakes are bigger, Severus.” He leaned in. “The winner tops.” That did it. Remus watched happily as Severus smiled broadly. “I take it you accept the terms of the wager.”

“I couldn't call myself a Slytherin if I didn't. Shall we shake on it?”

He leaned in so his lips grazed the Potions master's ear. “I have a better idea,” he whispered. Remus paused for a moment to enjoy the shiver that ran though Severus's body before extricating himself the warm lap and kneeling before him.

Severus leaned back, pushing his hips forward towards Remus and spread his legs slightly to accommodate him. He waited, his eyes half lidded, his mouth slightly agape, while the werewolf merely smiled. A minute passed and the anticipation was getting to Severus, the glint from Remus's pearl white incisors giving him gooseflesh. When Remus finally leaned in, Severus nearly crawled out of his skin.

Remus moved slowly, leisurely; his dry lips brushing the taut skin of Severus's erection. With a deliberate motion he dragged his lower lip along the straining length. Up and down, unhurried and purposeful. The feather-light taunting, merciless. Without warning, Remus quickly slid a moist, warm tongue from base to tip causing Severus's breath to hitch. He then softly blew cooling air on the hot skin. Severus was just thinking that perhaps he underestimated the werewolf when he found his entire cock engulfed in a wet and surprisingly skilled mouth. And while watching Remus's lips slide over his burning skin as his head flew up and down, while listening to the eager sounds Remus's mouth was making , while feeling the pressure quickly build in his balls just before Remus grabbed them and pulled, Severus did the unthinkable: he moaned.

Remus's mouth released him with a pop. “I win,” he said, an unusual viciousness in his voice.

“You're stopping!” Severus yelped incredulously.

Remus smiled wolfishly, “I won and I want my prize.”

“Yes, and I plan to pay in full but…you're stopping!”

“Consider it payback for Gakwazle. Now on all fours.”

“That would be your favorite position,” Snape mumbled.

Both men were too far gone to argue. Remus prepared Severus quickly and entered him with enthusiasm, pushing into the tight heat with abandon. Severus, having already whimpered like a Hufflepuff in heat, decided to let his guard down and answered Remus's fervent thrust with fervent moans, and less-than-dignified begging. This may have proved to have been a mistake as neither remembered a Silencing charm, and as the thrusting intensified and the moaning went up an octave, Madame Pomfrey came bursting in the room.

“Remus,” she shouted, her face gone from white to red to purple, “what in hell's name are you doing?”

Remus blinked and shrugged, “Would you believe I'm taking his temperature?”

It was Madam Pomfrey's turn to blink. “Yes…well… carry on then,” and she quickly left the room.

Remus's sigh of relief was short-lived as he realized he would probably not make it out of the infirmary alive after the rather crude joke; Snape was not known for his sense of humor. He was hoping that Severus would be merciful when he disemboweled him, when an odd sound filled the room. He looked down and nearly fainted from the sight - Severus Snape was laughing. Tears ran down his reddened face as he fell off the bed and onto the ground. He gasped for air, clutching his sides as a loud wheezing laugh filled the room. Remus was enchanted by the sight and by the rich deep laugh he was sure no one had ever heard before. It was a good five minute before Severus could stop. “Oh Good Lord,” he panted as he got up off the floor and sat upon the bed, “I think we've scarred her for life.”

“Well, she should have knocked. Now we have to start all over again.” Remus pulled Severus closer.

“Yes, and you were so close, too,” Severus teased.

Remus rather liked the way his eyes glittered. “And you weren't?”

“It would appear that I have a have a bit more stamina.”

“Are you proposing another bet?”

“Well, we will be here a while.”

Day Seven

Madam Pomfrey knocked. “Hello,” she called. “Is it safe?”

“Come in, Poppy,” Remus replied.

She entered the room cautiously. Both men where still in bed -- in their respective beds --looking healthier than she had ever seen either of them. However unorthodox their methods, it seemed to do them a world of good.

“Are we free to go?” Snape drawled, the usual irritation gone from his voice.

Madame Pomfrey was about to answer when she noticed for the first time how Severus's skin seemed brighter, his eyes shinier, and his manner relaxed. She then turned to Remus who also seemed to be glowing. They both seemed so …happy.

“Well, about that,” she began slowly. “It would seem that your little experiment with alternate forms of getting a temperature may have set back your recovery. I'm afraid it would be best to keep you here at least another week.” Her eyes flickered back and forth between the two men.

“Another week, you say?” Severus said thoughtfully.

“I suppose it would be for the best. We wouldn't want to endanger anyone else.”

“No. That would be irresponsible.”

“Yes, and I know how terribly responsible you both are.” Poppy smiled. “I'll leave you then, shall I?”

She closed the door behind her and listened intently as she heard Severus mutter a Silencing Charm before the room went completely quiet. She smiled as she made her way down to her desk and made a mental note to order some new games for the room. She had a feeling they might enjoy Twister.

Finis